Ugh. I felt like I was gonna be sick. I’d been crying with my mom on and off on our way to the hospital. My anxiety level had broken through the roof. I kept praying for super natural peace because I was going in to hold Gabriel for the last time until several days after his surgery and he can recognize my fear and anxiety. Thankfully, God gave me that peace. I walked in his room, took one look at him and knew we were both ready. It was the day we were waiting for, the first step in us making progress to go home… Doesn’t make the process any easier though.
I held it together decently while I was able to be with him. I walked next to him as the anesthesiologist and nurses wheeled him to the back elevators and down to the OR. The anesthesiologist said, “Okay mom, this is as far as you go. Make sure you give him a kiss!” That’s where I lost it. I leaned in and gave him a kiss. I bawled and watched him being wheeled away.
The surgeon let me know after the surgery that everything had gone smoothly. There was nothing concerning, but there was something surprising. Gabriel has pancreatic tissue on the upper part of his stomach which is rarely seen but shouldn’t ever cause a problem. That was it!
He had a problem free first night. Today was more difficult. He has lots of swelling, low blood pressure, his urine output isn’t good, and he’s had one large blood transfusion. Since I know he’s on pain medication, I’m able to cope better with seeing him in his condition. I nearly lost it today though when he started waking up. He wasn’t able to move hardly anything, but he looked at me with sad and tired eyes. I cried and tried to reassure him that he will be feeling better soon. Thank you God that he won’t remember this.
I’m realizing that whether I’m at the hospital with him or I’m home trying to sleep, I’m in a constant state of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I feel like I’m halfway holding my breath. He needs a quick, easy, and infection free recovery…but there are SO many things that can make the ideal recovery improbable. The sooner he heals, the sooner he can start getting drops of breast milk into his feeding tube, the sooner he’ll get weaned off of IV nutrition and onto breast milk, the sooner he can start getting oral stimulation to prepare to take a bottle, the sooner he can bottle feed, the sooner he can work his strength up to finishing eight feeds a day, the sooner we can go home.
So, here we are. Day two post-op. Trying to exhale.