The weekend was as uneventful as I had wanted…except that Gabriel extubated himself using his tongue so he had to be re-intubated. The pneumonia is clearing up though and he’s feeling a lot better. He has had very alert and attentive awake periods! Once he’s awake and interacting, he does NOT want to go to sleep. He fights his tired eyes so that we can talk some more. His eye contact brings me to tears; there is no other love like this.
And yet, remember the whole “roller coaster” thing? Yeah.
Today has been rough. It’s been physically rough for Gabriel. It’s been emotionally rough for me. I noticed a bruise on the bottom of Gabe’s foot with the PICC line. He had blood drawn this morning, but that, unfortunately, is a part of his daily routine. Today, however, the lab tech squeezed his foot so hard that it bruised. For the 30 days Gabriel has been here, that has never happened before. I’m furious.
Then Gabe needed a third blood transfusion. As the nurses were trying to put an IV in, three veins blew out: one in his hand, another in the crease of his elbow, and the third in his scalp. The fourth one finally took in his non-bruised foot. Veins blow because they are weak, not because of nurse error, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier. Gabriel silently cried through all of the sticks. I’m hurting for him…with no one to blame.
As if his day wasn’t rough enough already, Gabriel had his first eye exam. The nurse suggested that I step out for this. The ophthalmologist used a paper clip looking contraption to keep Gabriel’s eyes stretched open as he examined them. Babies don’t typically do well with eye exams. Gabriel especially didn’t do well. His heart rate dropped several times and his oxygen saturation level stayed low. After it was over, the nurse said she was glad I hadn’t stayed in the room..that’s how bad it was. I’m helpless.
He’s completely worn out. I can’t hold him today. I know it’s selfish of me to want to hold him after such a hard day, but I want to comfort him with the warmth of my skin, my smell, the sound of my beating heart, and my voice…but holding him may actually do more damage than good. This is a tormenting place for a mom to be.
He has his second platelet transfusion tomorrow. Surgery Wednesday. His eyes look great, albeit not nearly fully developed. And he’s one month old today.