God has been gracious, but it’s days like today that my emotions don’t seem to care about that. I’m sorry.
Gabriel had a semi-hard day yesterday. He looked pale this morning because his red blood cell count was low and had dropped faster than his doctor anticipated. Within hours, his red blood cell count plummeted, he was horribly gray, and could not keep his oxygen saturation level up. Watching Gabriel struggle to get enough oxygen in his body, hearing his alarm for 90 minutes, and watching him turn grayer by the minute is indescribably heart wrenching. He is now receiving a blood transfusion and is back on his nasal canula…with oxygen this time. He’s never needed oxygen before. On top of all that, his body temperature has been slowly dropping despite the temperature being increased in his incubator. That’s never a good sign.
Is it selfish of me to leave when Gabriel is getting an IV put in for his blood transfusion?? To leave because I can’t stop sobbing after watching helplessly everything that had just happened? To leave so that his pain doesn’t add to mine? And that’s a sick joke anyways because whether I’m with him or in another room, his pain hurts worse to me than the 7 months I carried him with all the shots, IV’s, epidural, and c-section. All those things pale in comparison to knowing that he’s hurting. I’d do it all over ten fold if he would be spared the pain and tears.
It’s days like today that make me doubt if I can do this. And truthfully, I can’t. I can’t do this without God supernaturally intervening. Today hurts.