It’s Not Fair

I finally understand what unconditional love is all about. No words suffice in describing it; no words are needed, period. Gabriel is my perfect baby. He is the gift I never thought to ask for.

I’ve had a couple of months of knowing about the birth defects and genetic anomaly. I’ve only had 3 days of knowing about Gabriel’s “questionable grade 3 IVH” and the “more concerning PVL”. In an earlier blog, I wrote about the possibility of brain bleeds, or intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH). Well, Gabe had his brain scan…it wasn’t good, and what’s worse is that his doctors aren’t sure exactly what they’re seeing or to what extent they are seeing it. The brain bleeds are ranked from grades 1-4. Grades 1-2 aren’t really a concern and usually heal themselves. Grades 3-4 usually cause permanent brain damage. He has another scan in 2 weeks to give a more definite answer as to severity. I had no clue what a PVL was (periventricular leukomalasia) and I’m angry that I now know what it is. PVL is basically a pocket(s) of oxygen deprived brain tissue, holes in the brain. The stage at which Gabe’s PVL is appearing as, is indicative that it happened 4-6 weeks ago, meaning it was probably in-utero when the blood flow was being restricted between us. The grade 3 IVH is questionable, hence the second scan. The PVL is questionable as far as severity, but it’s there.

As the doctor was describing the uncertain results of the sono, my head was spinning. I just kept thinking, on top of everything else?? It’s not fair.

Then, the doctor mentioned cerebral palsy… I had to interrupt her to repeat herself because I thought I had lost it. The PVL occurs in the part of the brain that controls large motor movements, such as the ability to use one’s legs (diagnosed as cerebral palsy). If the PVL is not severe, Gabriel may just have stiff legs or take longer to crawl and walk. If it’s severe, he could be wheelchair bound and it could affect him mentally. As the doctor is telling me this, I’m looking at Gabriel and thinking that he’s my perfect baby and yet he’s labeled with at least one disability and the very real possibility of another on top of being a micro preemie!! It’s not fair!!

Every time I put my hand on Gabriel’s head, every time I held him, every time I thought about it, I prayed God’s protection over Gabriel’s brain from bleeding. And yet what happened?? Grade 3. And PVL. It’s not that I’m mad at God, but this is just not fair! I can’t even type that sentence without stopping to pucker up! I am very well aware that God’s plan is perfect, mine is definitely not. Gabriel’s brain bled because God allowed it to happen, and after 3 days, even though I’ve still got tears, I’m perfectly in love with the baby God has blessed me with.

I love him, unconditionally.

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